


So Much To Tell You

by hannibal_rises



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canonical Character Death, Homeless Bilbo, M/M, Mute Bilbo, PTSD, burn scars, selective mutism, this is me procrastinating the fics I need to finish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 03:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1729202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannibal_rises/pseuds/hannibal_rises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin Oakenshield and Bilbo Baggins were college sweethearts, but in that final year of college their relationship buckled under the strain and ended almost abruptly. Not long after graduation, someone caught fire to Bilbo's floor of the apartment complex he lived in, leaving the young man scarred and homeless. <br/>A year later, Thorin's sister Dis has been searching for their older brother Frerin who had gone missing, when she finds a dirty, scarred, and mute Bilbo Baggins surviving in Dale's tent city. Helping Bilbo is a struggle of understanding the mute man, Kili's habit of clinging to him, and the strained relationship between Bilbo and Thorin, but all Dis wants is for him to get better, and to find out the secret that it seems only Bilbo knows. What exactly happened in the fire- and what happened to Frerin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hidden in the Dirt

 

The sun was just starting to set and Dis was about to give up. She had spent yet another day off looking for her brother. Frerin had disappeared about a month back and she was convinced he was still out there, that was why Dis was walking out of tent city toward her car, heart hammering in her chest at the feeling of pain just from seeing these people around her. “Take it, please.” She heard the almost motherly voice a few feet away of an older woman, nudging a coat toward a man who looked about her age with wild curly hair Dis swore she recognized from somewhere. “Sweetheart, please take it. You don't need to thank me.” The woman said, and that's when Dis caught a glimpse of the young man's face.

Burns were across the side of his face and his hair was growing at a different length on half of his head, but she knew that face beyond those scars. “Bilbo?” She said in shock, as though the breath was knocked right out of her.

Bilbo's blue eyes shot up and locked with her's, the older woman nudging closer to him as though to be protective of him. “Do you know her, sweetheart?” She asked, looking to Bilbo who very slowly nodded, the first response that she had gotten out of him for the last week.

Dis slowly walked toward him and knelt down toward them, though at enough of a distance that the older woman wouldn't snap at her- which Dis found herself suspecting would happen if she got too close. “Oh, Bilbo, what happened?” She asked, but Bilbo didn't reply, only blinked.

“He's mute, you should know that if you know him.” The woman said coldly, making Dis look to her shocked. Mute?

Since when was he mute? “I... he wasn't when I knew him. He... he was like a brother to me.”

“Then get him out of here. Get him help. Please.” The woman suddenly pleaded, reaching out and gripping her arm. “He hardly eats, even for us he doesn't eat much. He doesn't respond to people anymore. The blonde boy helped him a lot while he was here but after he died he just... shut down.”

Dis blinked a few times. “Blonde boy? Was he new around here?” She asked, dread filling her. She knew Bilbo and Frerin got along much better than she ever did with her other brother's ex boyfriend. It couldn't have been...

“Yes. Shaggy hair, blue eyes, bit of a bulky boy. He was very sick though.” The woman explained, softly rubbing Bilbo's back like she were reminding him that she knew he was there.

“I... you said he died. Where.. where is his body?” She asked, dread filling her. “When?”

The woman's brows furrowed. “We carried his body toward the river to be found, but we doubt anyone will know what to do with the body. Our boy here made a memorial for him. F-something or other.”

Dis simply looked to Bilbo, tears brimming in her eyes. “Oh, Bilbo... Was he happy? Was my brother happy?” She asked, voice cracking, reaching out to touch Bilbo's dirty hands. The only response was Bilbo slumping forward toward her.

“Please, Miss. Help him.” The lady insisted.

Dis nodded to her, standing and with the older woman's assistance got Bilbo to her car. “Did he have anything behind we should take?” Dis asked.

“No. He didn't even have the clothes on his back when he got here. He only had a hospital gown and we scavenged what we could for him. We're like a family here, we help each other if we can.” The woman said with a small, sad smile. “I'm sorry about your brother, miss. Thank you again, I just want him to be okay again.”

“No... thank you for taking care of him as much as you have... What's your name?” Dis asked, glancing back to make sure Bilbo was still sitting in the car.

The older woman simply smiled. “It doesn't matter. Just take good care of him.” She said, before turning and walking away just like that.

 

The drive home was silent. It had been over a year since she had seen Bilbo. His relationship with Thorin had ended calmly, a slow burn out where the two simply were no longer interested in each other, or at least that's what she always thought happened. Sure, after Graduation she heard about the fire in Bilbo's apartment building but didn't really think much about it, a few people were injured and she worried, but never acted on that worry. Here in the car, driving to her home, she almost hated herself for it. Picking up her phone and quickly dialing a speed dial, Dis put the phone to her ear. The rang twice before the sound of her elder son's voice came to her ear. “Hey mum.”

“Fili, I need you to ready the spare bedroom for company and find some of your Uncle Thorin's clothes that he's left at the house. How's your brother doing, has his cold improved?” She asked.

“Kili had a bit of a burn out so I helped him to bed about a half hour ago.” Fili replied, making Dis smile. “Mum, did you find him?”

At this, Dis' smile faded and she looked over to Bilbo in the passenger seat who was staring blankly out the window. “No... I have a lot of news for you all, but you have to wait until I get home. Love you, I'll be back in fifteen minutes.”

“Love you too, Mam.” Fili said in return before hanging up the phone.

When they got to Dis' house, it was almost 10 at night, the duplex only having a few lights on. “Everything is how it used to be so it won't be that hard for you to find anything, just make yourself at home.” She said, guiding Bilbo through the house and to the shower, trying not to scold her son for gaping at Bilbo like he was. “The towels are on the shelf in the bathroom and I'll have Fili put out some clothes in front of the bathroom door for you to change into.” She continued, gently squeezing the boy's arm. “I'll be in the living room when you're done. I have some tidying up to do.” And with that she left Bilbo to shower.

Fili, the ever curious if not far too proud 12 year old looked his mother over. “Was that... Bilbo? Like, Uncle Thorin's ex boyfriend Bilbo?”

Dis simply nodded and waved her son off. “Go, find some clothes for him and put them in front of the door for him.” She said, looking to the bathroom door as her son scurried off. It took about a minute, but finally the sounds of the shower started and Dis could almost smile. She would have to call Thorin tomorrow, but that would have to wait.

 


	2. Sweat and Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We sleep to time's hurdy-gurdy; we wake, if we ever wake, to the silence of God. [...] There are no events but thoughts and the heart's hard turning, the heart's slow learning where to love and whom. The rest is merely gossip, and tales for other times." - Annie Dillard, Holy The Firm

Thorin Oakenshield woke up sweating... again. The window AC unit in his bedroom had- once again- broken in the middle of the night, making his room start to practically boil. Rolling off the bed in a pair of boxers that clung to his thighs, he immediately headed toward a shower, the cool air of the rest of his apartment hitting him as soon as he opened his bedroom door. That's why the rent for the damn apartment was so cheap, because the central air of the building was broken in the bedroom, and most of the time Thorin could live with it, it was the 80 degree Fahrenheit nights that made him consider drowning himself in the bathtub of cold water each morning.

That was when he got the call, just washing his coconut scented shampoo from his hair. He still remembered the first time he used it... about two years ago when he and Bilbo first moved in to their shitty first apartment with only a futon on the floor, thin blankets and cold winter. The two of them crammed into the small shower together, laughing and touching each other, hot kisses and luke warm water. “Bilbo, that's your shampoo.” He had pointed out with a laugh as the shorter man started lathering the scented shampoo into his hair.

“Yes, but I'm fully convinced it will work perfectly with your body chemistry.” Bilbo had said, grinning and kissing Thorin's nose before the kisses grew hotter still. To this day, Thorin knew he never stopped loving the shorter man, it just... got out of hand too fast and he had to pull away. He had tried to get in contact with Bilbo after they graduated but his phone number was disconnected or changed and suddenly the ginger man was nowhere to be found.

It was a magical rush of flailing and pulling down the shower curtain that got Thorin to his phone, naked and dripping wet on the tile of his bathroom floor, the water still running. “Dis? What's up?”

Needless to say, Thorin's mind was spinning as he drove to his sister's house. He had to clean up the bathroom and finish his shower after practically falling into the toilet with the torn down shower curtain, a bump on his head from where the rod hit him atop his head. Dis had explained roughly that she found someone who knew what happened to Frerin, and that she had been called into work that day and needed him to watch Kili because he was sick and home from school. Being on a blessing of a vacation from work, Thorin simply agreed, knowing there had to be more that Dis had to tell him. He parked in front of his sister's duplex and ran a hand through his dark hair as he turned his truck off.

Heading into the house, Thorin could already tell that something wasn't right, mainly because the TV was off. “Diiiiiis.” He whined after closing the door. “You promised me food.” Was all he said before walking into the kitchen and freezing. Suddenly everything made sense.

Sitting at the kitchen table sat Bilbo, facing the doorway and watching Kili who was staring back. The once smooth, creamy skin on the right side of the man's face was now twisted and discolored, his right nostril deformed and right eyelid pulled back and up with the healed scar of flesh, his lips mostly untouched but slightly raised at the corner of his upper lip. Dis was trimming his hair carefully as he simply stared at Kili. “Thorin, you have a still warm omelet behind me on the stove, grab some tissues for Kili before you sit down too his nose is dripping all over his face.”

Finally, Bilbo tore his eyes from his ex and moved to grab his food like a robot. The scars traveled down Bilbo's neck and into the shirt that was obviously one of Thorin's and it made the older man want to cry, remembering how his lips would make that trail, high on the noises Bilbo would make. He grabbed some tissues for Kili and sat at the head of the table and gave Kili the tissues. “He keeps winning.” Kili complained in a stuffy voice. “We keep having staring contests but I keep blinking first.”

“Blow your nose, Kili.” Dis simply said, putting the scissors on the table. “Alright honey, you're even now. Kili, take him to watch some tv. I heard there's an Avatar marathon starting today, season one. When the episodes are over you can put the dvds in, make a day of it.” She said, patting Bilbo's shoulder softly, and Thorin couldn't help but notice how Bilbo only blinked and looked down to the table.

Kili blew his nose multiple times before throwing the tissues away and rushing over to Bilbo, taking his hand and practically dragging him from the chair. “The original Avatar is my favorite. I liked Korra too but Aang is my favorite character.” Kili rambled, Bilbo simply following him into the living room.

Thorin hadn't touched his food, only looked over to Dis. “What happened? Dis, tell me everything.”

Dis sighed, grabbing the broom and starting to sweep up Bilbo's hair. “I went looking for Frerin again yesterday...” Through Dis' story, Thorin sat in heavy silence, processing the information. “You remember how bad his adoptive parents were, they wanted nothing to do with him after he graduated. The fire was on his floor, remember Thorin? God... he was caught right in it... I found him there in tent city and... Frerin found him apparently. He hasn't spoken since the fire, or at least that's what the old woman said and I can believe it. He doesn't... he hasn't spoken a word since I found him, he hardly responds to anything. I came downstairs last night to get a glass of water and he was in here, just like we used to be at three in the morning, just eating ice cream. I just turned on the light and we looked at each other and he burst into tears, Thorin.” She spoke quickly, shoulders tense as she swept up the trimmed hair from the floor. “I didn't know what to do, I just sat here and ate ice cream with him I had no idea what to do...”

Thorin had no idea how to respond, his food cold by now and stomach rejecting the very idea of it. “Why did it have to be him, Thorin? Why did something have to have happened to him? He was in here when I turned on the burners and he fainted at the flame. Flat out went into shock and fainted.” She said, turning to Thorin and running a hand through her dark hair. Thorin stood and walked to his sister, pulling her into a tight hug. “We have to take care of him, Thorin. I can't just let him go back to tent city. He was so dirty and he's so thin...”

“We'll take care of him, Dis, don't worry. You know I'll take care of him.” Thorin comforted her, petting the top of her head slightly. “Get ready for work, I'll clean up in here.”

Dis simply nodded and pulled from her brother's arms, walking out of the kitchen. He could hear her voice as she told Kili to sit on the couch and not to get too close to the tv. He had to help take care of Bilbo, in some way, Thorin felt almost responsible for what happened to Bilbo. Shaking the thought from his head, Thorin swept Bilbo's dead curls into the dust pan. He had to help clean up the mess, not spend time bitter about the past.

 

Once Dis was gone though, Thorin had no idea what to do about Bilbo. The young man was simply staring at the television, a muted look of amusement on his face as the show went on and Kili rambled at Bilbo. “Zuko is my second favorite character, it's a little weird right now though because this is the first season and Zuko is the bad guy but he's actually really mis... misgui... Uncle Thorin what word am I looking for?” The young boy asked, looking to his Uncle who hummed.

“Misguided, and don't ruin the show for him, just let him watch. How would you feel if I spoiled something from the new season of Adventure Time for you?” Thorin said, leaning back in his seat and eyeing Kili who looked downright scandalized.

“You wouldn't!”

“Don't test me, Kili, you know I've watched ahead. Now hush up and watch the show, do you need anything? I was thinking of making some lunch.”

Kili hummed and Thorin was sure he heard a small snort from Bilbo, which made him smile slightly. Back when they were together, Bilbo always had to cook due to Thorin being hopeless in the kitchen but Bilbo taught him enough to get him through cooking something as simple as lunch. “Some soup would be okay.”

Thorin looked to Bilbo for some sort of reaction, but when he received nothing Thorin simply took a deep breath and moved to the kitchen. This would be very difficult, he could feel it, but Bilbo was worth it, he always had been.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, but all the summary quotes will be found somewhere in the book "Into The Wild" by Jon Krakauer. But really, if you haven't read that book, go read it it's fantastic and changed my life.
> 
> This story is inspired in part by the book of the same name "So Much To Tell You" by John Marsden - I happened to have lost my copy about three years ago but the book was very, very good and I hope whomever found it enjoyed it as much as I did. Go read that book too, it's short and good.


	3. Three Steps Forward, One Step Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some people who have been brought back from the far edge of starvation, though, report that near the end the hunger vanishes, the terrible pain dissolves, and the suffering is replaced by a sublime euphoria, a sense of calm accompanied by a transcendent mental clarity." - Jon Krakauer - Into The Wild

Over the next weeks, the largest challenge Thorin and Dis faced was getting Bilbo to eat. It was not as though he refused to eat, it was simply managing to find a way to get his small stomach to hold food. The man who could eat his weight in one sitting was now eating a forth of a portion about seven times a day to manage to keep him properly fed and not ill. Thorin had returned to work and Kili still muddled through his cold that seemed to refuse to leave the poor boy who would do take-home work that Fili brought him to make up for the school he kept missing. The school year was nearly over, however, and the excitement was high for both young boys.

“Bilbooooo, what is it just show me alreadyyy.” Kili whined, trying to peak at the notebook Bilbo had been scribbling in as he ate a small bit of tomato soup with crackers as his two-o-clock meal. Bilbo simply waved Kili off and pointed to the living room, making Kili frown. “Will you show me when you're done?” He asked with a frown, the frown fading when Bilbo nodded to him. “Want to watch Korra?” Kili asked, bouncing on his feet and grinning widely.

Bilbo simply nodded again, not looking from the notebook. He would have to transfer his notes onto a large poster to get everything properly organized and visual enough for Kili to understand just right, but he would have to figure out how to ask... He wasn't ready to try and talk yet, he simply wasn't and he wasn't sure if his throat could manage in the first place. Sure, he could make noises and he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit to having been woken by his own screams before, but he wasn't sure if he were able to actually speak. Simply putting his spoon in the now empty cup of soup, Bilbo ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. Everything had become so... odd lately.

All he knew had been ripped away from him, and he had to learn the different world he was thrust into. Being back in a home with air conditioning and water and food was so very odd to him. He smiles were a different type of sympathy, and he hated it, but he knew those were all he were going to receive. His own sense of self preservation was the only thing that kept him here sitting in Dis kitchen, his pride long lost. He survived on the charity of others, he knew it was the only way he managed to survive for the past year, but the way everything turned was so very jarring. “Bilbo? Are you coming?” He heard Kili's voice call to him, making him nod and slowly clean up the table and move into the living room. “So, can I see it now?” Kili asked, bouncing excitedly in his seat. Bilbo sat next to him in what had already become his usual spot on a couch Dis never had when he used to come over in college. He simply handed his notebook over to Kili who furrowed his brows confused at the circles, lines, and big words he didn't understand. “What is it?”

Bilbo gently took the notebook from Kili, flipped back a few pages and showed him the first page with a header that read _“Genetic Tracking of Bending in Avatar The Last Airbender”_ and in smaller letters beneath it reading “aka: Who can bend elements, why, + tracking and predicting Avatars” The noise Kili made almost had Bilbo falling off the couch. 

“This is awesome!” Kili screeched, even though he didn't fully understand how it all worked, grinning up at Bilbo. Bilbo managed to actually smile back, a large, proper smile to Kili, who looked like he had just seen the sunrise for the first time. Wordlessly, Kili tackled Bilbo with a hug, and this time they did end up on the floor, Kili practically cuddling his snotty face into the man's shirt. About five minutes later Kili fell asleep and Bilbo didn't move.

 

The sound of the door was what had Bilbo opening his eyes, blinking a few times to see an upside down view of Dis and Fili standing in the doorway. “Kili, what is this?” She asked, a small smile on her lips as Kili- who was now very much awake Bilbo realized- simply laughed. 

“He smiled at me mama!” Kili said grinning.

“And how long ago was that?” 

“Uh... about two?”

“Sweetheart... it's three thirty now. You might want to get off him.” And Bilbo almost wanted to point out that both of them had dozed off and apologize but the way Dis smiled showed that she already knew. “You boys think about what you want for dinner.” She said before heading into the kitchen to grab herself something to drink.

Bilbo blinked up at Fili who was shaking his head with a smile that Bilbo found himself fully returning, making the blonde boy look a tad surprised himself and quickly join his brother on Bilbo's chest, the man's breath being knocked out of him by the sudden extra weight, but the noise he made was more bemused than anything. In all honesty, for the first time since he and Thorin were together, Bilbo felt a sense of himself again. Everything had escalated so quickly after their break up, Bilbo almost lost himself in his survival. It seemed that finally, Bilbo was actually living again. 

Washing the dishes the next day was the first time Bilbo broke through with Dis. Scrubbing chicken grease out of a pan, he let out a mixture of a sigh and a groan, Dis chuckling at the noise. “Sorry we don't have a dish washer- oh wait. We do now, you're our dish washer.” She teased him with a small smile, Bilbo smiling to himself at this. They had struggled a lot with him in the first weeks, unsure as to how to talk to him, often talking around him like he didn't understand them, but there was some form of communication already through the house, and Bilbo felt confident enough that he rolled his eyes, smiled, and nudged into Dis like revenge for her comment. Dis looked to him slightly surprised but smiled anyway, even she could see the old Bilbo very slowly starting to come back to them.

Thorin was another circus in of himself. He was very involved in his nephews lives and therefore Bilbo saw him quite a lot, though things were very tense between them. Bilbo was unsure how to act around him, especially with the uncertainty of how Thorin left him a year back. There was no explanation, they just started drifting, Thorin didn't seem interested in him any longer and Bilbo had tried so hard to scramble things back together, but when he came back from class one day Thorin was just... gone. A large part of Bilbo still loved the man, but he knew better than to do anything about it, the last thing he wanted was Thorin to take him out of some sense of obligation or sympathy. Bilbo would rather go back to tent city rather than face that. In the end, it was Thorin who managed to break their awkward stand off about three days later, Thorin hanging around during the weekend while he didn't work. Bilbo was bent over his notebook, gnawing on his bottom lip and scribbling. “I know that face.” Thorin said, sitting at the table across from Bilbo, an almost fond look on his face. “What are you mapping out?” 

Bilbo looked up in surprise, eyes locking with Thorin's. He glanced back down to the notebook awkwardly, Thorin bending his neck a bit to read the scribbles. “You're in the final stages of it, aren't you? Would you like me to pick up some poster board and markers for you to map it all out?” Bilbo smiled widely to Thorin, the older man freezing at the sight. Over the week he had seen some of Bilbo's smiles but this? This was directed at him, and it brought him to his knees all over again. Sure the smile had changed just as Bilbo's face had changed, and that change tore Thorin up inside, but it was still the same smile- the same Bilbo- that Thorin had fallen so hard for those years back. He watched as Bilbo scribbled something in the margin of the page and pushed it toward him, Thorin read the request for two poster boards and blue and red markers specifically – and the man's symbol for “please and thank you” that Dis had taught him. “That I can do. Gosh, I forgot you majored in genetics and genealogy.” Thorin admitted with a small smile, running his hands through his hair. “I could hardly understand any of the things you tried to explain to me. Maybe you can still manage that Grad school and I can finally call you “Professor X”.” Thorin teased, watching the tense look come and go from Bilbo's face quickly as the scarred man rolled his eyes and threw his pencil at him. Thorin simply laughed just like he used to when they would do that in college. “Oh but Charles.” Thorin teased, picking up the pencil. “You won't be able to do your work that way.” He said, putting the pencil between his teeth and walking out of the kitchen, Bilbo's mind screaming at Dis, calling her brother an immature extra child for her to take care of, but he still smiled. The odd nostalgia made him feel both sick and comforted. He may not have that, but he had his friends and his memories. That was good enough for him for now. 

 

The first time Thorin saw just how bad things were for Bilbo was the first time Bilbo sat through the news with them that very evening. A serious fire had destroyed two homes, and the film of the smoke and flames threw Bilbo right back to waking up on the floor of his living room, choking on the smoke and the almost muted feeling of pain across his body from the flames, the odd smell of his own flesh burning filling his nostrils. It started out with coughing and unfocused eyes, but quickly Bilbo was clawing at the couch in an unfocused attempt to stand, not seeing the room in front of him, just seeing the smoke and grey carpet of his old apartment. Thorin was on his feet and to Bilbo's side before Dis could really process what was happening. “Fili! Turn the tv off!” She commanded her older son, rushing to the kitchen to wet a cool rag. 

Bilbo was clawing at Thorin's chest, choking and gagging on perfectly clean air, the few nerves of his scarred face screaming and twitching under the memory and focus, but the smell- the smell that rooted itself in Bilbo's mind was what broke him. Thorin had hardly gotten Bilbo through the threshold of the kitchen when the younger man was vomiting across the linoleum floor. 

“What the hell happened?” Thorin asked once Bilbo was resting in the bedroom Thorin almost dared to call his, a cool, wet rag on the poor man's forehead and the lights out. Thorin and Dis were cleaning up the floor while Fili and Kili played awkwardly in the living room.

Dis sighed and rung out the mop. “The video of the fire on the tv triggered a flashback, at least that's what I'm guessing. I've seen some people be triggered like that, but not everyone is the same... it came on pretty fast...” 

Thorin sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. “I don't think we should watch the news together like that again.”

“I agree.”

 


End file.
